The Invisible Man

They ought to call me the dating magician, because I'm starting to get really good at making men vanish. Okay, I can't verify that it's anything in particular that I do or say that makes guys I date disappear without so much as a 'goodbye,' but it happens a lot and it's starting to make me wonder (not to mention, it's getting under my skin). Don't people know that when you've been going out for a few months and still seem to have a good time together that if the guy is no longer interested, he should at least say something to her before he walks off into the sunset - without her?

Here are a few faux pas in dating I wish were universally agreed upon and understood (and these may or may not be based on actual personal experiences):

Let's say Jonny took Sally out for a simple dinner. Conversation flowed pretty well and the two had several things in common. Perhaps only Sally, or neither of them felt any initial 'sparks,' but Sally is willing to get to know Jonny better - if he's interested as well. At the end of the date, Jonny tells Sally that he had a good time and would really like to go out again some time. Sally thinks, I guess he's interested in getting to know me better as well - good. Jonny never contacts Sally again. In case you were wondering, it's bad form to tell someone you'd really like to go out again just before you proceed to write them off. Normal people won't hate you for it, but the mere mention of your name may leave a bad taste in their mouth or you'll be forever known as a flake of a guy. If you don't want to go out again, don't say things that lead the other person to believe you want to.

Philip and Ella met online and have really hit it off. They've been getting to know each other for a while, now, and Ella playfully invites Philip to fly into town for her birthday celebration. Excitedly, Philip says he's feeling spontaneous and is going to do it. Ella is stunned, but flattered that he'd do that - but luckily he also has family and friends in the area to spend time with and maybe hide out with if things don't pan out. He comes and they spend a fun-filled weekend going out and doing fun things together, including Ella's birthday bash. Philip tells Ella he's excited to keep talking and see what happens and then flies home. After one successful phone call, Ella misses a call and gets a voice message from Philip who says he's still interested in pursuing things and hopes to hear from her soon. She calls Philip a couple times after that, but can't get through, so she leaves a message thinking he'll call when he's free and he never returns her call. Even if you're into the relationship, but distance is something you can't work with, don't fake wanting to make it work then drop off the face of the planet.

Let's look at another situation. Eric and June have made it through several dates over the course of a few months and things are progressing. It's moving slowly, but both seem to have fun whenever they get together. Eric gives June the usual hug after their date and text messages her the next day to tell her (again) that he really had a good time. June thinks that's really sweet and responds in kind. Later the following week, she sends a text message on her way home from work to touch base and see how Eric is doing. He doesn't respond, but he's busy, so June is patient. Three weeks pass from their last date, and June still hasn't heard anything more than the positive text message. June calls Eric, but there's no answer. Several days later, patient June figures Eric is no longer interested. It's quite inappropriate to tell a person that you really enjoyed your most recent date together and then completely ignore them 'til they catch the drift and go away.

There is definitely a more excellent way to end things than any of the previous examples. For example, a while back, Anie went on a couple really fun dates with Jed, who is a really great guy. Jed and Anie had really open communication from the start, which was really enjoyable (along with his good sense of humor). After their second date, Anie was really looking forward to the next time they would go out, and emailed Jed telling him as much. He soon responded to her email that while he had a good time with her as well, he knew what he was looking for in a relationship and just didn't think he and Anie was it. Anie was scarcely to the point where she thought Jed might be Mr. Right; I mean, it was only their second date. But she was admittedly excited to get to know him better and beginning to invest in him. Anie freely admits that being let down so soon and so bluntly hurt.

By the same token, however, Anie completely loved that Jed told her -point blank- that he didn't think they were what he was looking for. She mourned the loss for a day or so and then I moved on. I mean, what is the point of pursuing a one-sided relationship anyway?! Anie still has incredible respect for Jed because of his honesty; especially in such an awkward situation.

Among respectful people, break-ups aren't meant to be a personal attack on the character of one or the other. In my opinion, dating is one of those things where there is a definite goal to the practice. Unfortunately, the nature of dating typically creates much more failed relationships than successful ones in that a person usually dates several people whom they never marry (the failures) before they meet the right person at the right time which ideally results in the right marriage. Jonny, Philip, Eric and Jed may all be wonderful men, though in very different ways. In the same way, Sally, Ella, June and Anie could be stellar women. It's likely, however, in the grand scheme of things that Jonny & Sally, Phillip & Ella, Eric & June, nor Jed & Anie are all that compatible with each other and that there's a better match out there for each of them.

We should each realize that in each of our search for a person who complements ourself in all the right ways (and vice versa), there will be many more people we date who don't. We may have fun, and there may be some one-sided matches along the way, but it's not worth getting bent out of shape when it doesn't work out. It's also rude to play mind games, leave a person hanging or mislead them into expecting more than you intend to give. We should all have enough respect for those we go out with to let them know when we find things lacking and when we think that both are better off looking for a better match elsewhere.

Happy hunting; see you around!

Ode to Family Wards

So, the LDS Church has organized Singles' Wards in order to help the college-aged and young adult-aged single people to co-mingle, meet, date one another and get married. It sounds so easy, right? Well, it didn't work that way for me at all. You see, the people in the same ward don't often date one another because if things should go sour, they'd feel awkward seeing each other every Sunday and at the activities; and who knows what kind of terrible gossip would begin to spread (I guess)?!

Anyway, I decided that when I moved, I would go to the Family Ward instead of the Singles' Ward. This is partially because I had attended the Singles' Ward in this area before, and met no prospects that left any sort of hopeful impression. Mostly, however, I am just tired of being surrounded by single people who refuse to date one another and wanted to get back into the meat of the organization, with all its several auxiliaries.

If you thought going to a Singles' Ward was pressure, as the Bishop stands every Sunday and encourages you all to date and get married, you haven't been part of a Family Ward as one of the only active young single adults -- or should I say, 'young maritally challenged adults?' You see, I love the people in my ward. They're great. Really. My Family Ward, however, is heavy on the newly-wed and budding-families side, so it hasn't been that long since my fellow ward members were in 'my position.'

I feel like I'm on The Price is Right: "Tell her what's behind door #1, Rod!" "Thank you, Bob. Let's just say this young lady will be the envy of all the Zoobies when she strolls through campus with this brand new TGIK on her arm!!! He's a 6'3" Virginia man with hair of brown and a set of fantastic eyes to match. He's a worthy Priesthood holder who does his Home Teaching every month without fail, and longs to take a sweet spirit to the Temple of her choice!"

My Bishop, who is also my Home Teacher (with his wife), came by for a visit yesterday and suggested we trade my dog in for a nice man. I told him the dog lives outside and that a man would have plenty of room inside the house, unless behavior warranted an expansion of the dog house. :) I then told him that his ward members were trying their best to see to that, and he need not worry. He said that he had heard from some of them about my date(s). Isn't that comforting. Not only do I have a built in dating service in my neighborhood, but they also serve as a reporting service to my ecclesiastical leader. What more could a girl need? *sigh*

Anyway, I keep it all in good humor. As Elder Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has said, 'come what may and love it,' and it's always better if one can laugh at themselves. Luckily my mother taught that principle to me very well through example. Laughter is the best medicine for whatever ails you, especially if you have been diagnosed by your local Family Ward to suffer from the same insipid disease as I; 'solo-itis of the maritally challenged variety.' May I remain heavily medicated until some gallant lad can cure me of it once and for all.

In a Pickle

There's always a little bit of a risk when going on a blind date. I believe in being one's self in any given situation. I've learned, however, that it might be wise to be one's best self to start with and then as you get to know each other better, you can start to show more and more. Some things about a person can be a little much when a relationship is very young.

It's great, though, when some of those things come out and it creates some common ground. Not necessarily that you both find you like the exact same things, but maybe that you look at the world in a similar way.

Take a recent blind date experience of mine, for example. I decided several years ago that it makes for a more interesting date if I bring out the more talkative, bubbly side of me on a blind date as opposed to the more shy, stand-offish side - go figure. What happens when that side of me comes out can be fun, but I can also spew out some things that might fall into the "save it for later" category. This happens especially when comversation between us comes easily. It can turn into somewhat of a stream of consciousness conversation.

So, we were having a picnic he put together at a popular local historical site. He prepared a nice sandwich, salad and apple lunch (with zesty italian dressing!). One sandwich had tomatoes and the other did not, so he asked if I liked tomatoes - which I absolutely do. He gave me that one and said that if I didn' he would have taken that one and picked them off. I had discovered on the way to the picnic site that he loves onions, so I thought I would check my sandwich for onions - which I found. As I took them out, he plucked them out of my hand as I struggled to figure out where to put them that wasn't going to be in the way of my salad. Sign of a good date #1: You become fast friends enough to unabashedly pick through the other's food. How convenient.

I told him, "except for the onions, are a pretty good sandwich maker!" He thanked me and shortly thereafter replied, "except for the onions, you are a pretty good sandwich eater!" I couldn't fault him there. That comment gave rise to a discussion about how each eats their sandwiches, which is one of those conversations that may be best kept for later. Not because it's personal or anything, but it's really uncomfortable to tell a person the manner in which you hold and eat your sandwiches and get an odd silence and the, "you have a certain way you eat sandwiches?!?" look. Awkward!

Notwithstanding the potential with the direction this conversation went, this did not become awkward for us. I learned that we agree on getting the peanut butter and jam to the edge of the sandwich and that while I must have pickle in every bite (if I have pickle on my sandwich at all - but not on the PBJ, silly!), he says I'd never find a dill pickle in his refridgerator, but he likes sweet pickles. That was a serious blow! I'm a Christian woman, though, so I told him I wouldn't hold it against him and that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. He retorted that it wasn't opinion, he was just right. I bit my tongue. ;)

So, if I were to tell you how to measure a good date, I would have to say - from experience - that if you find you disagree about several things (e.g. Eating a sandwich 'corner-corner-middle from the bottom up' vs. 'Start at the top and eat in a spiral until you come to the middle' or 'Dill pickles in every bite' vs. 'Only sweet pickles in my fridge' or Tomatoes vs. Onions or Loves the rain vs. Doesn't like to get wet or Can't bring yourself to text message vs. Really likes to text) but you both actually pay attention to similar kinds of details in your respective lives, it's not the end of the world. And it was a very entertaining date, which is important.

All that said, it would be nice if he loved dill pickles as much as you do. . . . I'm just saying!

Open Mouth; Insert Foot

Ode to Embarrassment:

When with my friends, I'm rather witty;

I ought to be paid for my word-smithy.

But when it comes to the other gender,

Awkward blunders is all I tender.

So, the rhyme is a little loose in places, but I composed it on the spot and it's the utter truth (pun intended).  Why is it that the most embarrassing times happen when you feel the most is at stake?  It would appear that many people crack under the pressure.  At least I'm not the only one.  The following are real experiences; the names have been left out and the context may be slightly altered to protect the innocent, but it was far too funny not to share!

Case in Point:

A young lady studying nursing is chatting with a colleague of the opposite gender, at least twice her age.  They're making polite and totally innocent banter. He jokes about her giving him an IV of Peppiness, as he's accustomed to having.  She says she doesn't do that, but if there's anything else she can do to let her know, then without thinking, she counters "Do you need a bed bath?"  The man, not sure how to respond to that, makes a b-line for the nearest door.  Through the tears of embarrassed laughter she and her coworkers are sharing, she confesses that she had just finished Clinicals the previous day and that's the first nursing task that came to mind.

Another Self-Inflicted Embarrassment:

A young woman (though still an adult) is working on a project with some coworkers, both male and female.  This young woman frequently has songs and movies streaming through her thoughts and can frequently be found blurting out-of-context portions of them as they come to mind.  At this particular moment in time, the conversation turns her mind toward a Shirley Temple film (Captain January) in which the little girl calls her adopted dad - a lighthouse keeper - and his fisherman friend to share her birthday cake with her.  At that moment, the young woman's internal mute button gives way and she blurts out the following movie quote, "Come and get it, sailors!"

So, in conclusion, I wish to give thanks to all those people out there - and right here - who always seem to say the most embarrassing things at the most inopportune times.  Take it from one who has lived through several of these moments: I've never seen anyone die of embarrassment, no matter how hard they try, so laugh it off and keep moving on; maybe next time, the other person will be the one who twists their tongue while you enjoy the moment!!

How Low Can You Go?!

This entry isn't so much about the date part of dating, but the socializing portion leading up to the date.  Perhaps this is where all battles are won or lost - before it really begins.  It's important not to take yourself too seriously or you might encounter an experience that could break you.

I have a firm conviction of the importance of being able to laugh at one's self in the face of embarrassment.  Sometimes you must laugh through severe discomfort, but I assure you, it's by far the best thing to do to avoid the urge to crawl into a remote hole somewhere and never come out.  So, here's the skinny on the situation I fell into tonight.

We're planning a CPR activity later this week for the women only in my LDS Ward - our enrichment activity.  I was at my weekly Family Home Evening group gathering and someone announced it for the ladies present.  One of the guys in our group asked what time he should show up.  After some of the others said that boys weren't invited, which he knew very well, I thought I would give him an option.

Thinking only of the chest compression portion of the CPR exercise (I assure you!), I said, "We'll be doing CPR, so if you wanna come and be the dummy. . . ."  I didn't even get it until he emphatically agreed to come and be the dummy.  Everyone lost it and I did too.  I turned so red in the face, I thought I had skipped forward 30 years, right into menopause.  I just about died!  It took a little while before I gathered my composure.  Way to impress the men-folk, Self; way to go.

All I can say is that I laughed 'til I cried and my ability to laugh at myself made it much easier to get closer to the others in the group.  I'm positive that if I had not laughed in that embarrassing moment, I would have cried in emotional pain and I would never have been able to face any of them again.  I still cried, but they were over-happy tears!

Oh, the things I say in mixed company.  Phew!!  Now, let that be a lesson to you.

The Key to Dancing - and Dating - When the Guy Goes This Way, Ladies, Always Give a Little Resistance Before You Follow

Welcome to the maiden voyage of this new blog ship I call Tea for Two to Tango. A bit of a tongue twister, but I thought it appropriate as dating is not always my cup of tea, nor do I often tango. But, this too shall pass, and there are plenty of men and women out there that drink deeply from the tea cup of courtship and give the dating scene a frequent whirl. I plan on doing plenty of reconnaissance with these and other people to discover what, I hope, will be the key to successful dating; that golden snitch in the game of life; the get out of jail free card within the dating monopoly. . . . Or, in the alternative, at least offer a few fun anecdotes and thoughts on how fun and funny this phase of life can really be.

To kick it off, there was an activity in my religious geographical boundary (yes, my LDS Ward). It was a Chili cook-off/contest followed by a "rootin' tootin'" good time on the dance floor. Yeah, laugh about that all you want, but that's actually how they advertised it on the fliers going around. I am aware that dating can be awkward, but must we showcase it?! Come, now, let's don't be silly. Anyway, I don't recall any funky odors at any time the whole night, which is a blessing, I'm sure. Let's leave it at that, shall we?!

So, I danced with six guys (once each) at that dance last night. . . not that I counted or anything. We went through the motions for the first half hour or so - literally - as we were instructed as to Country Swing. Over the years I have been to enough of these functions to say that I "know" some of the steps. The problem comes in not using them on a regular basis. Yeah, that saying about "use it or lose it?" I think they're on to something there.

Luckily, with a refresher course at the outset, and a a few good men, I surprised even myself on the dance floor. Six times. . . . well, maybe three times surprised in a slam-bang way with moves I was being led through by a young man who had obviously done this kind of thing several times before, and two or three times surprised by guys showing forth a valiant effort by practicing what they obviously learned half an hour ago - counting aloud and all. I must admit that either way, I had a fun time! What can I say - I'm easy to please.

More often than not I found myself as "that girl" standing on the side of the room watching the couples having fun dancing and hoping I'd be able to dance in the next song (and the song after that, and so forth). The best was when a guy mysteriously appeared at my side as I was talking to one of the fantastic ladies there. I thought, "Ooo, this one is sneaky, but I'd love to dance with him." Just as he turns toward me and I begin turning toward him, he reaches across me to take the hand of the girl I was just talking with and pulls her out onto the dance floor. That happened to me, not once, but several times last night. Phew! Being single at a dance is just as awkward at age twenty-seven as it was at age seventeen. You, know what? I'm sorry, that's not true. I think it was easier when I was seventeen!

I have to interject here that I nearly danced as many "solo" dances as I did partner dances last night (and would have danced more if they had played more of those songs). There's nothing wrong with that, and it's a lot of fun. But here's a guarantee I give you, ladies. (Lean in close, now!) If you wanna be sure you get some time out on that dance floor, bust a move during the line dances. That's where the magic begins and y'all - if I may sling some jargon - switch directions every time in those line dances for a reason, don't you think?

"Do guys really scout out their next dance partner during the line dances," you ask? Well, as I am obviously a most successful and seasoned veteran at this sort of thing, I would have to say, "Maybe, but just as likely not, however, at least you're out there cuttin' a rug on that dance floor!" Remember, I may be observant, but I am still single.

Whether you dance with one man several times or fifty men once or three men two times each or - well, you get the idea - or you just shine during those line dances, there's no end to the fun you could have going dancing. . . until they turn the music off and shut the lights down and tell you the fun's over. But, it's really all in your court as to how your dance experience goes. Next time, maybe I'll ask the guys to dance with me.

What can they say to my, "How 'bout you and me go dancin' in the dark?"
"No, thanks." At least they were polite about it. And I'm no worse off. It's not personal, it's business.

Look out!!