The Invisible Man

They ought to call me the dating magician, because I'm starting to get really good at making men vanish. Okay, I can't verify that it's anything in particular that I do or say that makes guys I date disappear without so much as a 'goodbye,' but it happens a lot and it's starting to make me wonder (not to mention, it's getting under my skin). Don't people know that when you've been going out for a few months and still seem to have a good time together that if the guy is no longer interested, he should at least say something to her before he walks off into the sunset - without her?

Here are a few faux pas in dating I wish were universally agreed upon and understood (and these may or may not be based on actual personal experiences):

Let's say Jonny took Sally out for a simple dinner. Conversation flowed pretty well and the two had several things in common. Perhaps only Sally, or neither of them felt any initial 'sparks,' but Sally is willing to get to know Jonny better - if he's interested as well. At the end of the date, Jonny tells Sally that he had a good time and would really like to go out again some time. Sally thinks, I guess he's interested in getting to know me better as well - good. Jonny never contacts Sally again. In case you were wondering, it's bad form to tell someone you'd really like to go out again just before you proceed to write them off. Normal people won't hate you for it, but the mere mention of your name may leave a bad taste in their mouth or you'll be forever known as a flake of a guy. If you don't want to go out again, don't say things that lead the other person to believe you want to.

Philip and Ella met online and have really hit it off. They've been getting to know each other for a while, now, and Ella playfully invites Philip to fly into town for her birthday celebration. Excitedly, Philip says he's feeling spontaneous and is going to do it. Ella is stunned, but flattered that he'd do that - but luckily he also has family and friends in the area to spend time with and maybe hide out with if things don't pan out. He comes and they spend a fun-filled weekend going out and doing fun things together, including Ella's birthday bash. Philip tells Ella he's excited to keep talking and see what happens and then flies home. After one successful phone call, Ella misses a call and gets a voice message from Philip who says he's still interested in pursuing things and hopes to hear from her soon. She calls Philip a couple times after that, but can't get through, so she leaves a message thinking he'll call when he's free and he never returns her call. Even if you're into the relationship, but distance is something you can't work with, don't fake wanting to make it work then drop off the face of the planet.

Let's look at another situation. Eric and June have made it through several dates over the course of a few months and things are progressing. It's moving slowly, but both seem to have fun whenever they get together. Eric gives June the usual hug after their date and text messages her the next day to tell her (again) that he really had a good time. June thinks that's really sweet and responds in kind. Later the following week, she sends a text message on her way home from work to touch base and see how Eric is doing. He doesn't respond, but he's busy, so June is patient. Three weeks pass from their last date, and June still hasn't heard anything more than the positive text message. June calls Eric, but there's no answer. Several days later, patient June figures Eric is no longer interested. It's quite inappropriate to tell a person that you really enjoyed your most recent date together and then completely ignore them 'til they catch the drift and go away.

There is definitely a more excellent way to end things than any of the previous examples. For example, a while back, Anie went on a couple really fun dates with Jed, who is a really great guy. Jed and Anie had really open communication from the start, which was really enjoyable (along with his good sense of humor). After their second date, Anie was really looking forward to the next time they would go out, and emailed Jed telling him as much. He soon responded to her email that while he had a good time with her as well, he knew what he was looking for in a relationship and just didn't think he and Anie was it. Anie was scarcely to the point where she thought Jed might be Mr. Right; I mean, it was only their second date. But she was admittedly excited to get to know him better and beginning to invest in him. Anie freely admits that being let down so soon and so bluntly hurt.

By the same token, however, Anie completely loved that Jed told her -point blank- that he didn't think they were what he was looking for. She mourned the loss for a day or so and then I moved on. I mean, what is the point of pursuing a one-sided relationship anyway?! Anie still has incredible respect for Jed because of his honesty; especially in such an awkward situation.

Among respectful people, break-ups aren't meant to be a personal attack on the character of one or the other. In my opinion, dating is one of those things where there is a definite goal to the practice. Unfortunately, the nature of dating typically creates much more failed relationships than successful ones in that a person usually dates several people whom they never marry (the failures) before they meet the right person at the right time which ideally results in the right marriage. Jonny, Philip, Eric and Jed may all be wonderful men, though in very different ways. In the same way, Sally, Ella, June and Anie could be stellar women. It's likely, however, in the grand scheme of things that Jonny & Sally, Phillip & Ella, Eric & June, nor Jed & Anie are all that compatible with each other and that there's a better match out there for each of them.

We should each realize that in each of our search for a person who complements ourself in all the right ways (and vice versa), there will be many more people we date who don't. We may have fun, and there may be some one-sided matches along the way, but it's not worth getting bent out of shape when it doesn't work out. It's also rude to play mind games, leave a person hanging or mislead them into expecting more than you intend to give. We should all have enough respect for those we go out with to let them know when we find things lacking and when we think that both are better off looking for a better match elsewhere.

Happy hunting; see you around!

The Key to Dancing - and Dating - When the Guy Goes This Way, Ladies, Always Give a Little Resistance Before You Follow

Welcome to the maiden voyage of this new blog ship I call Tea for Two to Tango. A bit of a tongue twister, but I thought it appropriate as dating is not always my cup of tea, nor do I often tango. But, this too shall pass, and there are plenty of men and women out there that drink deeply from the tea cup of courtship and give the dating scene a frequent whirl. I plan on doing plenty of reconnaissance with these and other people to discover what, I hope, will be the key to successful dating; that golden snitch in the game of life; the get out of jail free card within the dating monopoly. . . . Or, in the alternative, at least offer a few fun anecdotes and thoughts on how fun and funny this phase of life can really be.

To kick it off, there was an activity in my religious geographical boundary (yes, my LDS Ward). It was a Chili cook-off/contest followed by a "rootin' tootin'" good time on the dance floor. Yeah, laugh about that all you want, but that's actually how they advertised it on the fliers going around. I am aware that dating can be awkward, but must we showcase it?! Come, now, let's don't be silly. Anyway, I don't recall any funky odors at any time the whole night, which is a blessing, I'm sure. Let's leave it at that, shall we?!

So, I danced with six guys (once each) at that dance last night. . . not that I counted or anything. We went through the motions for the first half hour or so - literally - as we were instructed as to Country Swing. Over the years I have been to enough of these functions to say that I "know" some of the steps. The problem comes in not using them on a regular basis. Yeah, that saying about "use it or lose it?" I think they're on to something there.

Luckily, with a refresher course at the outset, and a a few good men, I surprised even myself on the dance floor. Six times. . . . well, maybe three times surprised in a slam-bang way with moves I was being led through by a young man who had obviously done this kind of thing several times before, and two or three times surprised by guys showing forth a valiant effort by practicing what they obviously learned half an hour ago - counting aloud and all. I must admit that either way, I had a fun time! What can I say - I'm easy to please.

More often than not I found myself as "that girl" standing on the side of the room watching the couples having fun dancing and hoping I'd be able to dance in the next song (and the song after that, and so forth). The best was when a guy mysteriously appeared at my side as I was talking to one of the fantastic ladies there. I thought, "Ooo, this one is sneaky, but I'd love to dance with him." Just as he turns toward me and I begin turning toward him, he reaches across me to take the hand of the girl I was just talking with and pulls her out onto the dance floor. That happened to me, not once, but several times last night. Phew! Being single at a dance is just as awkward at age twenty-seven as it was at age seventeen. You, know what? I'm sorry, that's not true. I think it was easier when I was seventeen!

I have to interject here that I nearly danced as many "solo" dances as I did partner dances last night (and would have danced more if they had played more of those songs). There's nothing wrong with that, and it's a lot of fun. But here's a guarantee I give you, ladies. (Lean in close, now!) If you wanna be sure you get some time out on that dance floor, bust a move during the line dances. That's where the magic begins and y'all - if I may sling some jargon - switch directions every time in those line dances for a reason, don't you think?

"Do guys really scout out their next dance partner during the line dances," you ask? Well, as I am obviously a most successful and seasoned veteran at this sort of thing, I would have to say, "Maybe, but just as likely not, however, at least you're out there cuttin' a rug on that dance floor!" Remember, I may be observant, but I am still single.

Whether you dance with one man several times or fifty men once or three men two times each or - well, you get the idea - or you just shine during those line dances, there's no end to the fun you could have going dancing. . . until they turn the music off and shut the lights down and tell you the fun's over. But, it's really all in your court as to how your dance experience goes. Next time, maybe I'll ask the guys to dance with me.

What can they say to my, "How 'bout you and me go dancin' in the dark?"
"No, thanks." At least they were polite about it. And I'm no worse off. It's not personal, it's business.

Look out!!