The Invisible Man

They ought to call me the dating magician, because I'm starting to get really good at making men vanish. Okay, I can't verify that it's anything in particular that I do or say that makes guys I date disappear without so much as a 'goodbye,' but it happens a lot and it's starting to make me wonder (not to mention, it's getting under my skin). Don't people know that when you've been going out for a few months and still seem to have a good time together that if the guy is no longer interested, he should at least say something to her before he walks off into the sunset - without her?

Here are a few faux pas in dating I wish were universally agreed upon and understood (and these may or may not be based on actual personal experiences):

Let's say Jonny took Sally out for a simple dinner. Conversation flowed pretty well and the two had several things in common. Perhaps only Sally, or neither of them felt any initial 'sparks,' but Sally is willing to get to know Jonny better - if he's interested as well. At the end of the date, Jonny tells Sally that he had a good time and would really like to go out again some time. Sally thinks, I guess he's interested in getting to know me better as well - good. Jonny never contacts Sally again. In case you were wondering, it's bad form to tell someone you'd really like to go out again just before you proceed to write them off. Normal people won't hate you for it, but the mere mention of your name may leave a bad taste in their mouth or you'll be forever known as a flake of a guy. If you don't want to go out again, don't say things that lead the other person to believe you want to.

Philip and Ella met online and have really hit it off. They've been getting to know each other for a while, now, and Ella playfully invites Philip to fly into town for her birthday celebration. Excitedly, Philip says he's feeling spontaneous and is going to do it. Ella is stunned, but flattered that he'd do that - but luckily he also has family and friends in the area to spend time with and maybe hide out with if things don't pan out. He comes and they spend a fun-filled weekend going out and doing fun things together, including Ella's birthday bash. Philip tells Ella he's excited to keep talking and see what happens and then flies home. After one successful phone call, Ella misses a call and gets a voice message from Philip who says he's still interested in pursuing things and hopes to hear from her soon. She calls Philip a couple times after that, but can't get through, so she leaves a message thinking he'll call when he's free and he never returns her call. Even if you're into the relationship, but distance is something you can't work with, don't fake wanting to make it work then drop off the face of the planet.

Let's look at another situation. Eric and June have made it through several dates over the course of a few months and things are progressing. It's moving slowly, but both seem to have fun whenever they get together. Eric gives June the usual hug after their date and text messages her the next day to tell her (again) that he really had a good time. June thinks that's really sweet and responds in kind. Later the following week, she sends a text message on her way home from work to touch base and see how Eric is doing. He doesn't respond, but he's busy, so June is patient. Three weeks pass from their last date, and June still hasn't heard anything more than the positive text message. June calls Eric, but there's no answer. Several days later, patient June figures Eric is no longer interested. It's quite inappropriate to tell a person that you really enjoyed your most recent date together and then completely ignore them 'til they catch the drift and go away.

There is definitely a more excellent way to end things than any of the previous examples. For example, a while back, Anie went on a couple really fun dates with Jed, who is a really great guy. Jed and Anie had really open communication from the start, which was really enjoyable (along with his good sense of humor). After their second date, Anie was really looking forward to the next time they would go out, and emailed Jed telling him as much. He soon responded to her email that while he had a good time with her as well, he knew what he was looking for in a relationship and just didn't think he and Anie was it. Anie was scarcely to the point where she thought Jed might be Mr. Right; I mean, it was only their second date. But she was admittedly excited to get to know him better and beginning to invest in him. Anie freely admits that being let down so soon and so bluntly hurt.

By the same token, however, Anie completely loved that Jed told her -point blank- that he didn't think they were what he was looking for. She mourned the loss for a day or so and then I moved on. I mean, what is the point of pursuing a one-sided relationship anyway?! Anie still has incredible respect for Jed because of his honesty; especially in such an awkward situation.

Among respectful people, break-ups aren't meant to be a personal attack on the character of one or the other. In my opinion, dating is one of those things where there is a definite goal to the practice. Unfortunately, the nature of dating typically creates much more failed relationships than successful ones in that a person usually dates several people whom they never marry (the failures) before they meet the right person at the right time which ideally results in the right marriage. Jonny, Philip, Eric and Jed may all be wonderful men, though in very different ways. In the same way, Sally, Ella, June and Anie could be stellar women. It's likely, however, in the grand scheme of things that Jonny & Sally, Phillip & Ella, Eric & June, nor Jed & Anie are all that compatible with each other and that there's a better match out there for each of them.

We should each realize that in each of our search for a person who complements ourself in all the right ways (and vice versa), there will be many more people we date who don't. We may have fun, and there may be some one-sided matches along the way, but it's not worth getting bent out of shape when it doesn't work out. It's also rude to play mind games, leave a person hanging or mislead them into expecting more than you intend to give. We should all have enough respect for those we go out with to let them know when we find things lacking and when we think that both are better off looking for a better match elsewhere.

Happy hunting; see you around!

In a Pickle

There's always a little bit of a risk when going on a blind date. I believe in being one's self in any given situation. I've learned, however, that it might be wise to be one's best self to start with and then as you get to know each other better, you can start to show more and more. Some things about a person can be a little much when a relationship is very young.

It's great, though, when some of those things come out and it creates some common ground. Not necessarily that you both find you like the exact same things, but maybe that you look at the world in a similar way.

Take a recent blind date experience of mine, for example. I decided several years ago that it makes for a more interesting date if I bring out the more talkative, bubbly side of me on a blind date as opposed to the more shy, stand-offish side - go figure. What happens when that side of me comes out can be fun, but I can also spew out some things that might fall into the "save it for later" category. This happens especially when comversation between us comes easily. It can turn into somewhat of a stream of consciousness conversation.

So, we were having a picnic he put together at a popular local historical site. He prepared a nice sandwich, salad and apple lunch (with zesty italian dressing!). One sandwich had tomatoes and the other did not, so he asked if I liked tomatoes - which I absolutely do. He gave me that one and said that if I didn' he would have taken that one and picked them off. I had discovered on the way to the picnic site that he loves onions, so I thought I would check my sandwich for onions - which I found. As I took them out, he plucked them out of my hand as I struggled to figure out where to put them that wasn't going to be in the way of my salad. Sign of a good date #1: You become fast friends enough to unabashedly pick through the other's food. How convenient.

I told him, "except for the onions, are a pretty good sandwich maker!" He thanked me and shortly thereafter replied, "except for the onions, you are a pretty good sandwich eater!" I couldn't fault him there. That comment gave rise to a discussion about how each eats their sandwiches, which is one of those conversations that may be best kept for later. Not because it's personal or anything, but it's really uncomfortable to tell a person the manner in which you hold and eat your sandwiches and get an odd silence and the, "you have a certain way you eat sandwiches?!?" look. Awkward!

Notwithstanding the potential with the direction this conversation went, this did not become awkward for us. I learned that we agree on getting the peanut butter and jam to the edge of the sandwich and that while I must have pickle in every bite (if I have pickle on my sandwich at all - but not on the PBJ, silly!), he says I'd never find a dill pickle in his refridgerator, but he likes sweet pickles. That was a serious blow! I'm a Christian woman, though, so I told him I wouldn't hold it against him and that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. He retorted that it wasn't opinion, he was just right. I bit my tongue. ;)

So, if I were to tell you how to measure a good date, I would have to say - from experience - that if you find you disagree about several things (e.g. Eating a sandwich 'corner-corner-middle from the bottom up' vs. 'Start at the top and eat in a spiral until you come to the middle' or 'Dill pickles in every bite' vs. 'Only sweet pickles in my fridge' or Tomatoes vs. Onions or Loves the rain vs. Doesn't like to get wet or Can't bring yourself to text message vs. Really likes to text) but you both actually pay attention to similar kinds of details in your respective lives, it's not the end of the world. And it was a very entertaining date, which is important.

All that said, it would be nice if he loved dill pickles as much as you do. . . . I'm just saying!