The Invisible Man

They ought to call me the dating magician, because I'm starting to get really good at making men vanish. Okay, I can't verify that it's anything in particular that I do or say that makes guys I date disappear without so much as a 'goodbye,' but it happens a lot and it's starting to make me wonder (not to mention, it's getting under my skin). Don't people know that when you've been going out for a few months and still seem to have a good time together that if the guy is no longer interested, he should at least say something to her before he walks off into the sunset - without her?

Here are a few faux pas in dating I wish were universally agreed upon and understood (and these may or may not be based on actual personal experiences):

Let's say Jonny took Sally out for a simple dinner. Conversation flowed pretty well and the two had several things in common. Perhaps only Sally, or neither of them felt any initial 'sparks,' but Sally is willing to get to know Jonny better - if he's interested as well. At the end of the date, Jonny tells Sally that he had a good time and would really like to go out again some time. Sally thinks, I guess he's interested in getting to know me better as well - good. Jonny never contacts Sally again. In case you were wondering, it's bad form to tell someone you'd really like to go out again just before you proceed to write them off. Normal people won't hate you for it, but the mere mention of your name may leave a bad taste in their mouth or you'll be forever known as a flake of a guy. If you don't want to go out again, don't say things that lead the other person to believe you want to.

Philip and Ella met online and have really hit it off. They've been getting to know each other for a while, now, and Ella playfully invites Philip to fly into town for her birthday celebration. Excitedly, Philip says he's feeling spontaneous and is going to do it. Ella is stunned, but flattered that he'd do that - but luckily he also has family and friends in the area to spend time with and maybe hide out with if things don't pan out. He comes and they spend a fun-filled weekend going out and doing fun things together, including Ella's birthday bash. Philip tells Ella he's excited to keep talking and see what happens and then flies home. After one successful phone call, Ella misses a call and gets a voice message from Philip who says he's still interested in pursuing things and hopes to hear from her soon. She calls Philip a couple times after that, but can't get through, so she leaves a message thinking he'll call when he's free and he never returns her call. Even if you're into the relationship, but distance is something you can't work with, don't fake wanting to make it work then drop off the face of the planet.

Let's look at another situation. Eric and June have made it through several dates over the course of a few months and things are progressing. It's moving slowly, but both seem to have fun whenever they get together. Eric gives June the usual hug after their date and text messages her the next day to tell her (again) that he really had a good time. June thinks that's really sweet and responds in kind. Later the following week, she sends a text message on her way home from work to touch base and see how Eric is doing. He doesn't respond, but he's busy, so June is patient. Three weeks pass from their last date, and June still hasn't heard anything more than the positive text message. June calls Eric, but there's no answer. Several days later, patient June figures Eric is no longer interested. It's quite inappropriate to tell a person that you really enjoyed your most recent date together and then completely ignore them 'til they catch the drift and go away.

There is definitely a more excellent way to end things than any of the previous examples. For example, a while back, Anie went on a couple really fun dates with Jed, who is a really great guy. Jed and Anie had really open communication from the start, which was really enjoyable (along with his good sense of humor). After their second date, Anie was really looking forward to the next time they would go out, and emailed Jed telling him as much. He soon responded to her email that while he had a good time with her as well, he knew what he was looking for in a relationship and just didn't think he and Anie was it. Anie was scarcely to the point where she thought Jed might be Mr. Right; I mean, it was only their second date. But she was admittedly excited to get to know him better and beginning to invest in him. Anie freely admits that being let down so soon and so bluntly hurt.

By the same token, however, Anie completely loved that Jed told her -point blank- that he didn't think they were what he was looking for. She mourned the loss for a day or so and then I moved on. I mean, what is the point of pursuing a one-sided relationship anyway?! Anie still has incredible respect for Jed because of his honesty; especially in such an awkward situation.

Among respectful people, break-ups aren't meant to be a personal attack on the character of one or the other. In my opinion, dating is one of those things where there is a definite goal to the practice. Unfortunately, the nature of dating typically creates much more failed relationships than successful ones in that a person usually dates several people whom they never marry (the failures) before they meet the right person at the right time which ideally results in the right marriage. Jonny, Philip, Eric and Jed may all be wonderful men, though in very different ways. In the same way, Sally, Ella, June and Anie could be stellar women. It's likely, however, in the grand scheme of things that Jonny & Sally, Phillip & Ella, Eric & June, nor Jed & Anie are all that compatible with each other and that there's a better match out there for each of them.

We should each realize that in each of our search for a person who complements ourself in all the right ways (and vice versa), there will be many more people we date who don't. We may have fun, and there may be some one-sided matches along the way, but it's not worth getting bent out of shape when it doesn't work out. It's also rude to play mind games, leave a person hanging or mislead them into expecting more than you intend to give. We should all have enough respect for those we go out with to let them know when we find things lacking and when we think that both are better off looking for a better match elsewhere.

Happy hunting; see you around!

Arrested Courtship

So, I was thinking back on some of my dating experiences in the past and one evening came clearly to my mind. I was on a group date with several of my friends. Playing games makes for a fun date and this night was full of it.

To fully appreciate the situation, you have to know that many of my friends - at least the ones in this group - were involved in theater throughout high school and many even after. So, we went to the local mall and divided into two groups. The goal for each group was to get the most bang for their buck. We literally set forth to see who could get the most 'merchandise' for no more than a dollar, total. The winning team obviously had the most marked ingenuity, but they also got to pick a dare for the losing group to perform.

My group didn't cut the mustard and had to be subjected to the 'punishment' of the other group. In short, each couple had to pick a place in the mall where they would have a loud (and embarrassing) break-up argument in front of everyone. For reasons I won't go into, my date and I had to do our challenge twice. Our second time is the one that packed the most umph, if you will.

We began to argue in a relatively deserted place in the mall - it was mostly deserted because it was approaching closing time - located near one of the large, anchor department stores. As we began to fight (by what was said, we had apparently fought a lot in public) and things got pretty heated. I was having fun. I noticed that we kind of alarmed an employee of that department store, so we knew it was relatively realistic.

Suddenly, for me, a man came out from the partially closed metal cage covering the entrance to the department store. He looked like any other person, but he was definitely coming toward us rather than looking at us out of the corner of his eye as he passed, like the other mall patrons. This, we found out soon enough, was because he was no ordinary mall patron. The conversation went something like this (M= Myself; D=My date; C=Concerned man): C-"What seems to be the problem, here?" M-"I'm sorry; he always does this. I'm so embarrassed, sir." C-"Well, I'm Officer So-n-so, and you two are causing quite the ruckus, here."
At this point, I'm thinking, the jig's up - this is a cop. Better confess you're just acting and be done, then just go away quietly. Apparently, my date had a different idea because he replied to the officer, D-"Well, Officer, she's just being a jerk!" I guess we're not confessing anything, I realized. I turned to look embarrassingly at our friends, who were all hiding behind the escalator, watching this whole thing unfold.
C-"Sir, this isn't the time or the place to behave like this. Why don't you two just settle down and go on home; the mall is closing anyway." M-"You're right, Officer. I'm just so embarrassed this happened. It's not the first time, and - well, we'll just get going. Thank you, sir. I'm sorry!" As I walked away, acting angry with my date for causing such a scene. One of my friends joined me to offer some mock comfort, and my date stormed from the officer, following us out.

We got the award for most effective break-up of the night. I was a wreck inside; trembling with nerves and feeling like we had to have just barely escaped being arrested. When my parents asked how my date went later that evening, I told them, "Great. It was really fun. Oh, and we almost got arrested." Looking back, I realize that this guy was probably a mall cop in civilian clothes. I was terribly nervous at the time, but looking back it's quite entertaining. I suppose I learned my lesson: when dating a guy involved in drama, anything can happen, so be prepared to talk yourself out of any situation.

Do You Mind Being Set Up?

This is the question hanging in the air whenever my friends and neighbors want to help me out to a new boy friend. For some, this question is valid and their answer may be a resounding, 'NOT ON MY LIFE.' My answer is simple: is there any other way?

I say this not because I feel it's the best, most effective and fabulous way to meet the man of your dreams, but because I really want to know. Is there any other way? I personally don't see much harm in arranged dating, largely because without set ups, I wouldn't date at all. Naw, really; I get that people are leery of being set up. I mean, the connotation of that phrase alone - being set up - doesn't typically give much assurance that it won't turn out to be some embarrassing circus show inflicted upon you by someone you thought was your friend. In reality, there's no guarantee that it won't be a circus! But I have a hard time understanding why people can be so dead-set against it.

Any two civil people can make it through a few hours together if they put forth a little effort. They might even have fun. I think it's one of those mole hill mountains people are making these days. To each their own, I suppose. Why is it that people don't like referrals from friends when it comes to dating? My mom taught me not to fraternize with strangers, so I guess it could be a good idea to meet someone who is well known by someone I trust. Sometimes people feel so compelled to rush to my aid that they do drastic things they 'just don't do' such as setting me up with This Guy I Know.

Maybe I should be more careful about accepting arranged dates in the future. I'd hate to offend those who worry that they may be doing me a great harm (well, they are setting me up!) by introducing me to someone they know rather than letting me meet new people all on my own at complete random. Maybe in the future, I'll start answering this question differently. "Hey! I'd love you to meet This Guy I Know. That is, you know, if you don't mind being set up?"

Perhaps I'll say something like, "Oh, I don't know. . . . Typically I try to date complete strangers I meet in obscure places, and all the better if they have absolutely no connection to anyone I know and/or love because it's just too sketchy to know that you know this guy and think he's really great and fun to be around. But then again, I'd hate to offend you by not accepting your man-offering as a potential eternal mate. If you'll bear with me, I think I'll make this one exception; for you; if you really think this guy is worth it. And if we don't fall in love and marry one another, please don't take it as a reflection on our friendship. It is a FIRST DATE and all, but somehow I'll get over the crushing blow and you can still be my friend; whatever happens."

At least that answer is more fun for me. Bring it on!

Ode to Family Wards

So, the LDS Church has organized Singles' Wards in order to help the college-aged and young adult-aged single people to co-mingle, meet, date one another and get married. It sounds so easy, right? Well, it didn't work that way for me at all. You see, the people in the same ward don't often date one another because if things should go sour, they'd feel awkward seeing each other every Sunday and at the activities; and who knows what kind of terrible gossip would begin to spread (I guess)?!

Anyway, I decided that when I moved, I would go to the Family Ward instead of the Singles' Ward. This is partially because I had attended the Singles' Ward in this area before, and met no prospects that left any sort of hopeful impression. Mostly, however, I am just tired of being surrounded by single people who refuse to date one another and wanted to get back into the meat of the organization, with all its several auxiliaries.

If you thought going to a Singles' Ward was pressure, as the Bishop stands every Sunday and encourages you all to date and get married, you haven't been part of a Family Ward as one of the only active young single adults -- or should I say, 'young maritally challenged adults?' You see, I love the people in my ward. They're great. Really. My Family Ward, however, is heavy on the newly-wed and budding-families side, so it hasn't been that long since my fellow ward members were in 'my position.'

I feel like I'm on The Price is Right: "Tell her what's behind door #1, Rod!" "Thank you, Bob. Let's just say this young lady will be the envy of all the Zoobies when she strolls through campus with this brand new TGIK on her arm!!! He's a 6'3" Virginia man with hair of brown and a set of fantastic eyes to match. He's a worthy Priesthood holder who does his Home Teaching every month without fail, and longs to take a sweet spirit to the Temple of her choice!"

My Bishop, who is also my Home Teacher (with his wife), came by for a visit yesterday and suggested we trade my dog in for a nice man. I told him the dog lives outside and that a man would have plenty of room inside the house, unless behavior warranted an expansion of the dog house. :) I then told him that his ward members were trying their best to see to that, and he need not worry. He said that he had heard from some of them about my date(s). Isn't that comforting. Not only do I have a built in dating service in my neighborhood, but they also serve as a reporting service to my ecclesiastical leader. What more could a girl need? *sigh*

Anyway, I keep it all in good humor. As Elder Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has said, 'come what may and love it,' and it's always better if one can laugh at themselves. Luckily my mother taught that principle to me very well through example. Laughter is the best medicine for whatever ails you, especially if you have been diagnosed by your local Family Ward to suffer from the same insipid disease as I; 'solo-itis of the maritally challenged variety.' May I remain heavily medicated until some gallant lad can cure me of it once and for all.

If the Wedding Bells Don't Ring, An Angel Gets its Wings

Dvvvbt-dvvvbt-dvvoo! (Yes, that's my attempt at writing out a trumpet onomatopoeia)

This special announcement is brought to you by - well, by yours truly, of course. I thought it worth while to announce that two distinct versions of This Guy I Know have been so bold as to agree to, and follow through with the first date. Mind you, it seems to have become standard practice for the first date to be a small group consisting of TGIK (is it me, or does this acronym, when said out loud, sound like 'the geek'?!), myself and the entire family of the person who set us up. Yes, that's right. The first date with both of these men, in all its glory, has had us dealing with kids already. . . . And they say, 'no pressure!'

In all seriousness, the evenings have both been fun. I see no more than friendship with one of them and have no desire for anything more than maintaining a fine acquaintance status with the other. I much prefer dating TGIK (in his many varieties) casually, but more frequently, than not dating at all. I'm sure that sounds like a 'duh' statement to you, however, I say this only because it's a lot easier to arrive at that elusive moment of 'when you least expect it' if you're actually dating people than when you have no prospects at all. I mean, you can't expect something from nothing, you know!

I've set it up so that TGIK #1 and I are going to go to the local Institute of Religion class together each Wednesday evening. I did have a much more relaxing and natural time with him anyway, even if I don't want anything more than friendship with him.

The other first date with TGIK #2 was. . . interesting. If you know me well, you know that I don't do small talk. At least I'm horrible at it if I do. I've never excelled at the casual mingle. I think I tend to socialize in the same way I shop for food or clothing. Get in - Get out - and Get on with life. I hope someday I'll be compelled to stop 'window shopping' for men and decide on one that suits me well.

So, anyway, I don't think it was 10 minutes into the evening before TGIK #2 brought up marriage. I thought it a bit awkward, but then I embraced the openness and ran with it. I had more of a connection with the married couple who set me up with TGIK #2 than I did with TGIK #2 himself. That's typically not a good sign of a promising relationship. I don't shy away from most respectable conversation topics, so it made for an interesting evening. I'm pretty much an open book and because I felt no need to be strategic in order win another date with TGIK #2, I just spewed forth from the depths of my discussion well. We also had some very superficial funny talk intermittently, but someone kept drawing the conversation back to marriage.

That's OK, though. I'm just like that beautifully sun-ripening apple at the tippy top of the tree that people might see and say they'd like, but they get distracted on the way up and go for the fruit on the lower branches before they reach me. I'm just lookin' for the man who complements me (and vice versa) and keeps his focus until he makes his way past all the other fruit on all the other branches to get the apple that caught his eye (in this case, me).

Well, if'n I hang on that branch until I'm out of season and crabbed with age, at least I may still have hope that perhaps one of the two thousand strippling warriors didn't marry in this life either and I'm sure he ought to be courageous enough to push past the intimidation of a nice, independent woman and we'll be married for eternity. . . . But if not, I'm sure life would still be a little bit beautiful if I were to spend forever as a single ministering angel, right?!

The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions

Looking back over my years of dating life, there are moments I remember with fondness. However, there are also moments I can laugh at now which were awkward at the time. In honor of such moments, I've translated some experiences - my own and others' - into an entertaining list of good ideas vs. bad ideas. Feel free to share some of your own making; I think we all would enjoy the laugh.

Good Idea: Hosting a movie night in a U-haul.
Bad Idea: Hosting a movie night on a mattress in a U-haul.

Good Idea: Wearing a dress to the prom.
Bad Idea: Wearing a teal dress to the prom when you're date is wearing a maroon vest.

Good Idea: Giving your date a good-night kiss.
Bad Idea: Giving your date's dog a good-night kiss.

Good Idea: Breaking the ice on a first date.
Bad Idea: Breaking wind on a first date.

Good Idea: Fishing for trout in a local lake.
Bad Idea: Fishing for wayward popcorn in your bra.

Good Idea: Grasping for the right words as you compliment her scarf.
Bad Idea: Grasping her as you compliment her scarf.

Good Idea: Roasting dinner for your date.
Bad Idea: Roasting your date at dinner.

Good Idea: Calling your date by her name.
Bad Idea: Calling your date by her mother's name.

Deck the Halls. . . and This Guy I Know, too!

I figure it's about time for an update, albeit brief, on the goings on in my tea party. In addition to the two (almost three) near set-ups mentioned in the last entry which have yet to materialize, I have one more to add to the cobweb stricken shelf of "Almost." Another neighbor I hardly know and who knows me as well asked to set me up with This Guy I Know. Crazy, right? I would almost be shocked, except somehow I'm not; here's why.

While the total reported sightings of This Guy I Know has sky rocketed over the last three months, reaching a total of nearly four (4), the total number of dates arising from these sightings has not budged since the last quarterly census taken on the matter, which is a pragmatic zero (0).

The reasons given for such numbers seems to be that, while the number of good-hearted people whose hearts turn toward potential suitorettes for This Guy I Know (namely, Me) increases around the Holidays, the number of evenings and weekends that get overbooked on This Guy I Know's calendar multiplies faster than two rabbits in an empty barn. This equation typically results in few to no opportunities for a random suitorette (namely, Me) to get penciled in on one of her available evenings or weekends during the same busy time.

Needless to say, any chance for making jolly jokes and pleasant conversation with This Guy I Know over a nice cup of hot cocoa by the flickering lights of the Christmas tree is as likely as getting a Salvation Army Santa to pay you every time he rings that bell outside the neighborhood department store. It's just not going to happen.

No matter. The world is filled with various faces of This Guy I Know, for none of whom do I live my life. Therefore, I will continue to live a full and happy life which may or may not include a date with any of these particular versions of This Guy I Know; and you know what? I am no worse off because of it. In fact, I will continue my life, making myself each day better because the existence or lack of a certain event in my life is NOT my life, but a mere part thereof. My life is so much more. So is yours.



So, in closing, there's no need to plan how you'd like to deck This Guy I Know as you bedeck your halls for the Holidays because the energy is better spent elsewhere. . . and besides -- It takes a lot more creativity to write these blogs about a non-existent dating life than it would if something substantive happened. Then what would I do with myself?!